Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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