My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
