There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
