My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
