do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
