Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
