you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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