One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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