i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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