Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
