You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
