you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
