My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
