Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
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I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
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I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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