The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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