My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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