When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
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