and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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