So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
