i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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