This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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