this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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