You smell like stripper and shame
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
