very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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