Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She said her name was "party"
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
