i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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