i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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