I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
