mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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