Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
