she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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