I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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