no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
