my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
