i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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