I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
