Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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