I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Four minutes until I can fart!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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