So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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