So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
