Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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