Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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