He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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