I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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