Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
