You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
