just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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