I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
