It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
