if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
