3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
