I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
