Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
