I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
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Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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