Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
