I think I am morally bankrupt
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
