im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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