when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
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I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
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Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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