so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
